Well, we’re all safe now. We’ve learned today that the New York City boys and girls in blue have hip-hop impresario Sean “Diddy” Combs safely behind bars. Details on Sean later when things quiet down.

And then we have Ryan Wesley Routh, the unkempt fellow arrested for a failed amateur attempt to shoot Donald Trump while the former president was on the 5th hole at the Trump International Golf Club in West Palm Beach, Florida. Trump later said, “I would have loved to have sank that last putt, but we decided, well, let’s get out of here.” Did he really say that?

Luckily for Trump, as it always is for Trump, Ryan, the inept would-be assailant, had been asleep for 12 hours before he aimed his rifle and he was chased away by a Secret Service agent with a working pistol.

The agent fired four shots and missed. I guess he failed that course.

I’m intrigued by this script, aren’t you? It’s full of drama. 12 hours? In the bushes around The Donald’s golf club?

I couldn’t sit still in my bushes for 12 hours, and I don’t think that anyone here could sit through 12 hours of anything. I fell asleep while watching “Shogun,” and I understand Japanese.

I wonder what refreshments Ryan brought there? McDonald’s chicken nuggets, a canteen of coffee, some cookies?

I could not sleep for 12 hours on McDonald’s coffee. Maybe he brought hot chocolate?

I like to imagine he went through the checkout window and then parked in front of The Donald’s golf course for 12 hours without a cop wondering what that Nissan was doing there.

And who told him that The Donald would be there?

The Donald said it was a last-minute decision to go hit a few holes.

It smells to this drama writer like a setup, and as well to the Secret Service who must have grilled him and asked, “Who called you and whispered ‘Trump will be there at dawn?’”

Did he then park that dirty old Nissan full of old McDonald’s bags, empty coffee cups and comic books outside of the golf course without being noticed?

I expect full disclosures will reveal different stories that will someday become a six-part series on Netflix called “I Slept In the Bushes to Kill Trump” with Joaquin Phoenix as Ryan Wesley Routh, and Tommy Lee Jones in a tattered orange wig as The Donald.

While we’re casting, where has Melania been hiding? And what’s been going on in the alleged “cat and dog” feast where poor Haitian immigrants in Springfield, Ohio, were falsely charged with eating people’s pet cats and dogs, the story that JD Vance made up?

I make no attempt here to shine a comedic light on these fantasies. All I want is to have a safe, gun-free national election, and, hopefully, elect a woman for the first time in history to the White House. Is that too much to ask?

We’ll see you at the Common Ground Fair.

Stay tuned. The talented Amy Calder will take it from here. Go vote now.

J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer.