President Donald Trump, a man who once recommended we inject ourselves with disinfectant and whose hair has the structural integrity of cotton candy in Chicago, is now threatening the state of Maine from his social media bunker. For what, exactly? For standing up to him. For not smiling politely while he bulldozes through decency like a golf cart through a wedding tent.

This is what it has come to: a president threatening an entire state because a woman had the audacity to govern. The absurdity would be hilarious if it weren’t so tediously familiar. So here’s an idea. A modest proposal, if you will: Maine should secede from the United States and join Canada.

Now, before anyone starts waving a Constitution around like a pitchfork, let’s be clear: this isn’t treason. It’s customer dissatisfaction. We’ve tried the product, the service has gone downhill, and now we’re looking for a better provider. Canada, as it turns out, has excellent reviews — especially in the “not being publicly humiliated by megalomaniacs on social media” category.

And let’s talk about health care. Trump and his party have spent the better part of a decade trying to dismantle what little progress the U.S. has made in making sure people don’t go bankrupt for having the audacity to get sick. Maine, a rural state with aging demographics, can’t afford this.

Canada, by contrast, seems to have grasped the novel idea that health care isn’t a luxury, like yachts or foie gras (or, more to Trump’s liking, Big Macs, which due to inflation can now be considered a luxury item). Health care is a basic civic utility, like roads or plumbing. Up north (head to Presque Isle and keep going), people walk into a hospital and walk out with treatment, not a second mortgage.

Plus, let’s face it: we already have more in common with New Brunswick than New Jersey. We’re polite (OK, we can maybe work on that), a bit introverted and unreasonably obsessed with seafood. We like hockey. We own snow shovels measured in cubic feet. And at any given moment, at least one of us is wearing a wool hat we knitted ourselves.

If we joined Canada, we’d lose some things, of course. We’d have to get used to the metric system. We might have to pretend curling is interesting. But in exchange, we’d get stable leadership, cheaper insulin and the ability to walk down the street without wondering if the guy behind us has an AR-15 and a grudge. And what do we gain by staying? The freedom to be threatened on social media by a man who can’t spell “honor”? The honor of being governed by people who think climate change is a hoax and that books are dangerous? No thank you.

We deserve better. We deserve health care. We deserve sanity. And if the price of that is politely asking Mark Carney for dual citizenship and learning to say “sorry” with the proper Canadian inflection, then frankly, it’s a deal.

So let Trump bluster. Let him demand his “full-throated apology.” He won’t get it. Not from Janet Mills, not from Maine, and certainly not from a province-in-waiting that’s already Googling “How to apply for OHIP.”